On May 2, 2017, GetReelMovies.com sent me to interview Michael Rooker at the Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 red carpet in Toronto. I showed him a cartoon of various roles he’s played, and he really liked it. Then I crashed the King Arthur: Legend of the Sword red carpet, where I drew cartoons of Charlie Hunnam and Guy Ritchie. I met some girls who wanted to find Charlie, and I walked with them to the Shangri-La Hotel, where we met another girl who was celebrity spotting. She pointed out the DJ named Diplo, and later she and I found Michael Rooker – Who was still carrying my cartoon!
I came up with the name Hollywood Rach-List (a play on the Hollywood Blacklist, which is a list of hot screenplays) and I tried making a video that’s just a minute long, rather than the 7 minutes that my last celebrity gossip report was.
So check out the Josh Rachlis Hollywood Rach-List: In one quick and easy minute, you’ll get the hottest entertainment news and celebrity gossip, as judged by me. Today you’ll learn about One Direction‘s Harry Styles‘ Saturday Night Live appearance, Star Wars: The Last Jedi‘s first trailer, Julia Roberts‘ People award, and Irina Shayk‘s bikini body.
Will I be the next Canadian that Selena Gomez dates after Justin Bieber and The Weeknd? Find out in the March 26, 2017 edition of Josh Rachlis Today’s Josh RachLIST (haha, get it?), the World’s Number One Most Viewed report on the celebrity gossip and entertainment news that Josh Rachlis finds interesting.
The Story: I was reading and summarizing the celebrity gossip blogs for a radio network that I’ve been talking to about maybe doing that a job for them. And I figured that since I’d already done the research, it was a good time to try what I’ve been wanting to do – Make a funny daily gossip report for YouTube . As you can see, it went off the rails, as I pined away for the lovely celebrity ladies – And one man. Oh, and I forgot to use a pop guard, since I rarely use this mic. So the bad sound quality drives me crazy. But it’s my first attempt, so I’ll keep learning! Oh, and to try out my new scanner, I drew a celebrity gossip cartoon about Harry Styles’ teaser trailer:
And, and since I typed the thing up as a script I might as well paste it in here as a blog. So that people can find it by Googling their favourite celebrities and I can be a rich and famous celebrity gossip blogger like Perez Hilton. In the video, you can see how I diverged from the script. I have mad improv skills. Anyway, here’s my report:
Welcome to Josh Rachlis Today, your source for all the hottest entertainment news and celebrity gossip that I found interesting. Which isn’t a lot. So it’s a short list. The Josh Rach-list, I like to call it. Which is a very funny pun, if you’re as intimately familiar with my name as I am.
First up, a new trailer for Justice League came out this weekend, and in it, The Flash asks Bruce Wayne, “Um, what are your superpowers again?” And Bruce says, “I’m rich.” Haha! It reminds me that I’d like to be rich. So I can pay for this apartment. And since I don’t have brains or talent, I’ll need to marry a rich celebrity. Like Selena Gomez.
Selena Gomez and The Weeknd are in the news because they’re dating since January and she’s been following him around for 2 months and now they’re on their 3rd continent. After a romantic Toronto trip, now they’re in Brazil where he’s playing Lollapalooza 2017. Wait, wait? Last week they were in Toronto? Yah, they did a VIP movie night in the city – I’ve been to movies in this city. I’ve even paid the extra 10 bucks for the VIP theatre. If that’s the kind of VIP they did. Which it probably isn’t. They had dinner at the Japanese restaurant Blowfish – I went there once when my work was paying for it. They had lunch at The Thompson Diner at the Thompson hotel – I know a girl who works in the kitchen, although she never comes out to say hi when I’m there. Look, all of this is walking distance from my apartment. And she likes Canadians – Justin Bieber and The Weeknd are Canadian. So basically, I’m perfect for her. I’m going to change my name to something cool, like The Weekday, and now I’ll just wait for her to DM (“Direct Message”) me on Instagram. Nothing yet. But she’s in Brazil, so her internet is slow.
While we wait, let’s talk about Harry Styles. A moody, piano-driven teaser video for his first single aired on The Voice over the weekend. In the video, he’s walking through a dark room and it looks like he’s soaking wet, and he opens a door. Oh, and on his Instagram, he posted 3 blank photos of nothing.
And girls around the world are losing their minds. So clearly, I’ve been going about this dating thing wrong. To be adored by the women of the world, I need to stop using a towel after I shower, and I should stop posting selfies. My new Instagram post is of a white piece of paper. So I will wait for the DM’s from all the fan girls. They don’t even have to be rich. As long as they have a couch I can crash on. Ok, nothing yet.
While we wait…
Elton John Had Star-Studded 70th Birthday Party on Saturday. Lady Gaga and Stevie Wonder Performed. Katy Perry was there. Katy, if you DM me, I’ll tell Selena I’m taken. But while I wait for Katy… Umm… Elton’s husband David Furnish is a Toronto filmmaker who used to work in advertising. Hello! So am I! Why am I not married to Elton John? I’d turn gay for him. I’m not being picky here. I will marry any rich celebrity, male or female.
And one of them better marry me quick, or I’ll have to be like this guy and start stripping. Yes, 39-year-old Jon Gosselin – from reality show Jon and Kate Plus 8, about their 8 kids, but now they’re divorced and he has no show – has landed a new gig, as a stripper with the ‘Untamed Male Revue’ out of Dusk Nightclub in Atlantic City, New Jersey. I was afraid I’d have to shave and get into shape to be a stripper, but clearly not. All I need is an Adidas jacket like that one. Which I have. I could post a photo of me in it on Instagram but, oh, I’m supposed to just post blank spaces.
Well, anyway, I drew this cartoon about Harry Styles. Check it out on my Instagram. Oh, wait. No!
I have a history with Oscar-nominated actress Jessica Chastain. (Ok, I tried serving her dessert once at a party. Does that count?) And she’s speaking at TIFF Bell Lightbox tonight about her new movie, The Zookeeper’s Wife. So to help her promote the movie, I’ve written a theme song for it.
On Dec. 13, I went to Paul Shaffer at UJA’s Centennial Campaign Closing. As you know, I like to write songs for celebrities, hoping that will endear me to them. But I left this one to the last minute. An hour before the event, I wrote a song about Paul Shaffer. But instead of trying to film it and the video, I figured I should get to the event on time and record the song later. And I learned a lot at the event. Before hearing about this event, it had never occurred to me that David Letterman’s sidekick was Jewish, or Canadian. Though that just might be because I hadn’t thought about Paul much. But at the event, he mentioned he was born at Toronto’s Mount Sinai, just like me. And had some relationship to Holy Blossom Temple, which is where I went to religious school. Paul also apparently wrote the song “It’s raining men”, which might become my anthem if I give up on finding a woman this year. Anyway, I got a photo with him, to show you we’re twinsies:
I told him I wrote a song about him, and he was just like, “Ok.” So I probably won’t record it. He doesn’t seem that interested. But I wanted to post the lyrics for you, so that they don’t completely go to waste. So I’ll do that below.
Maybe I should stop writing songs about Jews. I don’t think Randi Zuckerberg even ever watched the song I sent her. At least Catherine McKenna, the Minister of the Environment, retweeted my song for her. I’ve always done better with shiksas. And so, I’m totally going to record a song for Jessica Chastain, who’s giving a talk at TIFF under my condo on Tuesday. Tickets are sold out, but I’m sure she’ll see my song and invite me as her date. Right? Ok, just let me have my dreams, ok?
Anyway, here’s the script about Paul that I wrote:
Oh, hello. You caught me just as I was drawing a picture of Paul Shaffer, the band leader and sidekick on David Letterman’s talk show. Paul’s going to be in town in an hour at the UJA Centennial Campaign Closing. I wasn’t planning to go. But they just posted a photo of him at the Sheraton Hotel, and I realized how much he looks like me. And it made me think of an idea that I want to pitch to him. But I want him to hear the idea before I show up, so he’ll be ready to sign the contract when I get there. So I’m sending him this video. Hi, Paul! Here’s my idea. First, look how much we look alike. I guess I could have just put up this photo. Actually, you probably already know what you look like. Good thing I just drew this as a joke, to show you I’m as funny as you. Huh?
Anyway, I know you’ve starred on Letterman and Saturday Live and in movies and sitcoms and you’re Grammy-nominated and on the Canada Walk of Fame. So obviously you want to accomplish everything. And what you haven’t done is have your own YouTube show. But you’re probably too busy, being talented and successful. So! As your doppelganger, I will host your YouTube Show, and tell people that I’m you! And you can Executive Produce the show. And by Executive Produce, I mean let me sleep on your couch. Because the Josh Rachlis YouTube show hasn’t exactly been paying my mortgage.
Now, I know you’re the music expert, but to show you how easy this show will be for you to “host”, (wink) I’ve even taken care of the theme song.
Welcome to the Paul Shaffer Youtube show
I am Paul Shaffer, as well you know
If when I sing I don’t quite sound exactly like him
It’s cuz I have a cold and my throat has phlegm
I started my music career in Toronto
See I said Toronto like a native, not Toronto
I’m famous for piano so why am I playing guitar?
Cuz I got bored with piano so I’ve taught myself 3 chords so far
I have a wife named Cathy
and a boy and a girl
That’s all I know about them
Until Wikipedia adds more
Who was my favourite guest on Letterman
Oh man there were so many
But if I have to name one, it’s when (cough) said (cough)
Ah, yes, that was pretty funny
Yes, I’m Paul Shaffer and please donate
But make the cheque out to Josh Rachlis
Not that I’m him, I’m totally not
It’ll just help me with my taxes
Cuz I am Paul Shaffer with my bald head and shades
(pause to put on shades)
And there you go, my argument is made
SONG ENDS. MORE TALKING:
And there you go. I’m sure this is a done deal. So just on a side note, I notice on Wikipedia that you never returned Seinfeld’s call to play George Constanza. What? We would have made an awesome George! I could have subbed in for you so you’d only have to go half the time. Call Larry David and tell him you want to play George in Curb Your Enthusiasm now! Please! Or at least maybe save me some of the desserts at the event tonight. I have a feeling I’m going to be late, cuz I have to upload this video.
This year, for the first time, I attended Fan Expo Canada. Watching celebrities like Stan Lee, William Shatner, Brent Spiner and Mark Hamill being interviewed was fun. But I wished I was the one doing the interviewing. I love to be creative and funny in front of an audience. So I went to Super Geeked Up Live, a live version of the web series Super Geeked Up, where I got participate in the improv. The next day, I went to their booth to interview them. Naturally, more improv broke out. The convention’s Sci-Fi Speed Dating had reached their quota of men (I know… Shocker!), so I suggested we do a speed dating scene. Which probably went as well as actual speed dating would have gone for me. (Filmed Sep. 4, 2016)
I’ve given new meaning to Train Spotting. On August 29, on the GO Train to visit my sister and her kids in Brampton, I spotted famous YouTuber Jus Reign. I plugged my microphone into my iPhone and proceeded to narrate the sighting. I’m only just getting around to editing and posting this now because, well, I haven’t had the discipline to sit down and edit my vlogs. I still have to edit my Mexico trip from 2 years ago. This is part of the reason that Jus Reign is famous and I’m just a creepy Jus Reign observer.
Anyway, I just sent this video to my friend Teresa to make sure it looks and sounds ok before I make it public, and she said wonders why I didn’t go up to him and talk to him. Which is a good point. I guess I could have asked if I could interview him right there. Or, at least I could have tried to say hi after I did some of my narration. That would have made for an interesting ending. But I don’t like to bother people. But ok, next celeb I spot, I’ll try talking to them. Subscribe to youtube.com/joshrachlis to see how it goes!