I thought the turndown service was robbers


Next week I’m going to LA, so I’m trying to clear out my inbox so I can have a clear head while I’m there, in case I run into any celebrities who want me to interview them or I run into Emily Ratajkowski who wants me to marry her. (And why wouldn’t she want to marry me? I mean, besides my Daniel Craig looks, she’d get to be Emily Rachlis, which keeps the first couple of letters in her name, and is shorter and a bit easier to spell. Remind me to pitch her on this if I run into her.)

ANYway, one old email I came across was this:

YouTube reply to my hotel comment

Which was a reply to a comment I left on this Amy Schumer video where the joke is that she thought all the service in a fancy hotel was the work of ghosts:

And I realized that it’s all kind of appropriate at the moment, because the comment I left under the video was a story about my first time in LA. So I thought I’d share the story with you, since everyone was liking it and commenting on it on YouTube. And by everyone, I mean two people. But even One Direction had to start with just two fans right? No, I guess they didn’t. But screw them – They just announced that they’re going on hiatus in March and they’re breaking my heart!

ANYway, here’s the story I left under the video:

“This sort of actually happened to me. I’m a Copywriter, and I was shooting my first commercial out of town, in LA. We were staying at the Mondrian, a fancy hotel on Sunset Boulevard. When I got back to my room at the end of the first day, I was terrified to find that the door to the balcony was open, letting a light breeze blow through the white curtains. And little tea light candles had been lit around the room. And the bed had been made. I instantly thought I’d been broken into and robbed and started looking for my stuff. Today I know that the room had just been “turned down” by the staff, who made it all swank for me to return to. Anyway, I hardly travel for work now. I guess that’s good, because now I don’t have to deal with candle-lighting ghost robbers anymore.”

And here is what that story looks like on YouTube, including all 2 of the comments:

My comment on Amy Schumer hotel video

Now that I’ve just read that story again, I realize I probably could have punched it up (which is comedy-writing industry slang for adding humour. I think.).  It might have been funnier if I’d added something like, “I came back to my room and was, like, I’ve been robbed! The robbers have decided to let in a refreshing breeze! They’ve lit candles to set a romantic mood! But why? Why?! To mock me! To seduce me? To distract me from the fact that all my stuff is missing? I don’t even own any stuff!” Which is a good point. What did I think they were stealing? My underwear? Speaking of underwear, I just remembered: On that trip, I ordered some Hanes T-shirts to be mailed to my hotel. There was a certain type of heavy cotton T-shirt that I had found once in Canada but then they didn’t sell in Canada anymore and wouldn’t deliver to Canada. And I’m very picky about my T-shirts. It’s hard to find ones with just the right thickness and neck shape. But even those special T-shirts surely hadn’t arrived when my room was first turned down. So all I had was old crappy T-shirts. The robbers would have been doing me a favour to rob me. Ok, maybe I had a laptop to steal. But, this was probably 2005. Did we have laptops back then? Was I writing scripts on parchment? Why can’t I remember? I’d check my Facebook to see but… Oh, we didn’t have Facebook back then! I do remember that Jesse Eisenberg walked into the hotel. I heard a bouncer say: “Hey Jessie.” And I wanted to run up to Jesse and say: “I loved you in that movie where you went around to parties with your uncle all night.” But I didn’t run up to him. And now he’s Lex Luthor. And there’s no way I’m going to run into Lex Luthor on next week’s trip.

ANYway, I didn’t punch up the YouTube comment with that rant about “I’ve been robbed!”, because a) I didn’t think of it when I was writing the comment, b) YouTube comments probably don’t deserve much thought or any punching up, and c) That additional stuff I just proposed probably isn’t very funny anyway.

So… Fingers crossed I’ll have a more hilarious story to tell you about the cheap motel that my New Zealand friend Lauren has booked us near Hollywood Blvd!


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